I once read an article that said Facebook is a trigger for depression. That reading how "much I love my job" and "my husband is the best in the world" and "best vacation of my life" and vomit vomit vomit, actually makes people more depressed. YUUUUPPPP, that ish is true! I mean, I am totally happy that you are living in Pleasantville LaLa Land with Buddy the Elf or whatever but I am two steps away from eating my body weight in Breyers ice cream. And lucky for me it was on sale for Buy-2-get-3-Free, so that threat is a very real possibility!
You are probably thinking, "OMG, what is wrong with Brittany? I thought she was fine. She looks so happy.", so let me save you the wondering and just break it down for you...
- I am a newlywed. I am absolutely crazy about my husband. He is smokin' hott and I intend on acting like newlyweds until the day the good Lord takes me home (if you know what I'm sayin'! yea?!? Yea!!! hahaha I love saying creepy little things like that). But here is where it sucks... he is literally 5,000 miles away from me! It's bullshit (excuse my French - and by "French" I mean my white trash mouth that just says whatever it wants)! I feel like I am internet dating with a really nice ring on my left finger. I mean, I am super grateful for the nerdy geniuses who gave us the magical little World Wide Web, but I aint trying to be the recreate a Match.com commercial... just GIVE ME MY HUSBAND!
- I don't have a job. I have an offer for a job. A process for getting an employment visa that has been going on since February. I have an ulcer from going back and forth with the University I am supposed to work for and the Embassy who is supposed to issue my visa. But no actual purpose for waking up and staying awake and doing anything other than eating a bag of chips on the recliner and watching Bravo all.day.long! ---- now I know there are people reading this thinking, "Oh I wish I could just relax and eat my face off all day everyday." well I am here to tell you that is a slippery slope. Don't go there sister friend! It aint all it's cracked up to be.
- I am living with my parents. I am 26, married and living with my parents. I totally appreciate the free food, laundry services, and luxury amenities... but c'mon... let's revisit the facts... I am 26! Married! and living with my parents! It was cool for like a month, mainly because Daniel was still here and we were traveling a lot, but now I feel a bit like a loser. It might not feel so lame-tastic if this were Europe, where people live with their parents for-ev-er, but this here is North Carolina. People my age and marital status are not tip toeing to bed at 10:30 at night because their parents have been asleep for hours... but this girl is!
Now I'm going to need all of you to pump your brakes before you get all "concerned" and try to set up some sort of intervention. Or worse, you try and give me some "words of encouragement". I am not the girl who responds to a pep talk. I am not really depressed, I am a realist. It's harmless talk/thoughts (thoughts for when I need a filter to avoid going all white girl crazy), it's usually pretty funny and nobody gets hurt. Don't believe me? Here is a perfect play by play for how I react to something going terribly wrong...
The week of my wedding, the girl who was coloring my hair eff'd my ish up BAD! I am talking like 11 hours in the salon to fix it bad.
Hair Lady: "I like the color."
Me Outloud: "Ummmm I see some stripes."
Me In my Head: Holy ish. I am going to cut you. How do you even have a job? You need to be punched in the face! This is my wedding week. WED-DING!
Hair Lady: "Oh yea. Well I think we can fix it."
Me Outloud: "Yea. It'll be fine. It's ok. It's just hair. I know you can fix it."
Me In my Head: Ohhhhhh girl! I am about to pop off on you and you don't even know! Get me out of this dang chair because if I have to look at the mirror one minute longer I am going to LOSE MY MIND!
See what I mean? Nobody got hurt (physically or emotionally) thanks to my amazing filter and I didn't have to sugar coat anything when giving the play by play of my hair appointment from hell. It would have been so easy for me to just say, "Yea, I got my hair done for the wedding and it looks amazeballs." and not say anything else about it. But #1 - that approximately 98% less dramatic than I prefer, and #2 - I'm not here to sprinkle sugar flowers all over the place. I am here to tell you the raw and super real details of the stankness that life hands out.
So to conclude this little cluster of thoughts... I am not really going to kill myself... at the very most, I will probably just give you a huge eye roll and at the very least, I will tell you that I hate you with my whole life (super dramatic-like Toddlers and Tiara style)! And then laugh and move on. And if you want to make me laugh, join in on the fun. Tell me that you are looking into getting a wig because something or someone makes you want to pull your own hair out and your hair is way too cute for that or that you would rather swim in dinosaur pee than smell your boss's breath that smells like a treasure chest full of buttholes one more day! But seriously people... one more fairytale FB post and I am going to eat myself into a little food coma. Don't test me!
You are probably thinking, "OMG, what is wrong with Brittany? I thought she was fine. She looks so happy.", so let me save you the wondering and just break it down for you...
- I am a newlywed. I am absolutely crazy about my husband. He is smokin' hott and I intend on acting like newlyweds until the day the good Lord takes me home (if you know what I'm sayin'! yea?!? Yea!!! hahaha I love saying creepy little things like that). But here is where it sucks... he is literally 5,000 miles away from me! It's bullshit (excuse my French - and by "French" I mean my white trash mouth that just says whatever it wants)! I feel like I am internet dating with a really nice ring on my left finger. I mean, I am super grateful for the nerdy geniuses who gave us the magical little World Wide Web, but I aint trying to be the recreate a Match.com commercial... just GIVE ME MY HUSBAND!
- I don't have a job. I have an offer for a job. A process for getting an employment visa that has been going on since February. I have an ulcer from going back and forth with the University I am supposed to work for and the Embassy who is supposed to issue my visa. But no actual purpose for waking up and staying awake and doing anything other than eating a bag of chips on the recliner and watching Bravo all.day.long! ---- now I know there are people reading this thinking, "Oh I wish I could just relax and eat my face off all day everyday." well I am here to tell you that is a slippery slope. Don't go there sister friend! It aint all it's cracked up to be.
- I am living with my parents. I am 26, married and living with my parents. I totally appreciate the free food, laundry services, and luxury amenities... but c'mon... let's revisit the facts... I am 26! Married! and living with my parents! It was cool for like a month, mainly because Daniel was still here and we were traveling a lot, but now I feel a bit like a loser. It might not feel so lame-tastic if this were Europe, where people live with their parents for-ev-er, but this here is North Carolina. People my age and marital status are not tip toeing to bed at 10:30 at night because their parents have been asleep for hours... but this girl is!
Now I'm going to need all of you to pump your brakes before you get all "concerned" and try to set up some sort of intervention. Or worse, you try and give me some "words of encouragement". I am not the girl who responds to a pep talk. I am not really depressed, I am a realist. It's harmless talk/thoughts (thoughts for when I need a filter to avoid going all white girl crazy), it's usually pretty funny and nobody gets hurt. Don't believe me? Here is a perfect play by play for how I react to something going terribly wrong...
The week of my wedding, the girl who was coloring my hair eff'd my ish up BAD! I am talking like 11 hours in the salon to fix it bad.
Hair Lady: "I like the color."
Me Outloud: "Ummmm I see some stripes."
Me In my Head: Holy ish. I am going to cut you. How do you even have a job? You need to be punched in the face! This is my wedding week. WED-DING!
Hair Lady: "Oh yea. Well I think we can fix it."
Me Outloud: "Yea. It'll be fine. It's ok. It's just hair. I know you can fix it."
Me In my Head: Ohhhhhh girl! I am about to pop off on you and you don't even know! Get me out of this dang chair because if I have to look at the mirror one minute longer I am going to LOSE MY MIND!
See what I mean? Nobody got hurt (physically or emotionally) thanks to my amazing filter and I didn't have to sugar coat anything when giving the play by play of my hair appointment from hell. It would have been so easy for me to just say, "Yea, I got my hair done for the wedding and it looks amazeballs." and not say anything else about it. But #1 - that approximately 98% less dramatic than I prefer, and #2 - I'm not here to sprinkle sugar flowers all over the place. I am here to tell you the raw and super real details of the stankness that life hands out.
So to conclude this little cluster of thoughts... I am not really going to kill myself... at the very most, I will probably just give you a huge eye roll and at the very least, I will tell you that I hate you with my whole life (super dramatic-like Toddlers and Tiara style)! And then laugh and move on. And if you want to make me laugh, join in on the fun. Tell me that you are looking into getting a wig because something or someone makes you want to pull your own hair out and your hair is way too cute for that or that you would rather swim in dinosaur pee than smell your boss's breath that smells like a treasure chest full of buttholes one more day! But seriously people... one more fairytale FB post and I am going to eat myself into a little food coma. Don't test me!
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