If you ever see me in person, I am usually smiling. I have huge teeth, I am a huge fan of oral hygiene and I love to show off what my twice a day brushing, flossing and mouth washing has provided me. When I run I… whoa whoa whoa! I almost lied to yall! I DO NOT run (unless I am being chased… and that is only after a fair assessment that the chaser could kill me.)! Let's try that again... when I walk, I breathe with my mouth open in a not-quite-full smile, but definitely smiley enough that people will always smile back and say hello. I blame the smile-breathing on dancing. When I danced (and I am not talking about in a club or on a pole you sicko!) I quickly learned the best way to get through two and a half minutes of a high energy, crowd pleasing, physically friggin’ exhausting routine while caked with as much makeup and hairspray on me as the entire hair and beauty section in Walmart, is to breathe! But nobody wants to watch a tired heifer on stage huffing and puffing right?!?! Right! My dance teacher always said “make it look easy”… hence my smile-breathing was born.
Now don’t get it twisted. Just because I appear to be constantly smiling does not mean I am just one big ball of sunshine. If you could hear what is going on in my head, you.would.die! I’ve always said that if I actually said everything I was thinking I would have no friends. And while sometimes I've flirted with the idea of unleashing the fury that stirs in my head and dealing with living a life in solitude, I usually restrain myself. However, I've been known to occasionally let a comment slip out every now and again to sort of “test” the reaction of my audience. I need a way to know how sensitive my friends (or potential friends) are and their reaction is a great way to get an immediate reading of how long we will be friends. And let's be honest... 87% of people do not make the cut.
This is basically the way I rate them… If I let something fly out of my mouth filter-free and they look scared, they might as well hit the road because we are clearly not going to make it. Just because I say I am going to kill myself, doesn't really mean I am going to kill myself; get your panties out of a bunch sista! If they smile awkwardly, I give them one more chance to prove they don’t have a stick shoved all the way up their arse. But it is seriously only one more chance. Life is just too short. If they laugh out loud and say “oh my gosh”, then I just smile because I know that they are thinking the same thing I just said, and that makes my heart happy to know that they are a little sick-in-the-head too (these people are one of my two favorite kind of friends). But the final reaction is my absolute FAVORITE!!!! These are the ones who don’t skip a beat and say the very next thing that is in my head without hesitation (usually straight faced or with a total fake CoverGirl smile… totally Mean Girls style!)… this is girl friend SOUL MATE status!
This doesn’t make me or them bad people… it makes us HILARIOUS! It takes a certain sense of humor to make me really laugh, and these type of friends just do it for me. I know you might be thinking… what kind of Southern white girl/Sunday school teacher/smile-centric person finds people like this. Your answer is… THIS GIRL! Life is a bit messy and annoying and a little disastrous... and if you can't make a joke and laugh about it, then it is going to be a bore of a journey for you. I literally have some of the best girlfriends who make me laugh constantly at their sick sense of humor. It’s like having Miranda (from Sex and the City… and yes, I do talk about Sex and the City characters like they are real people) around 24/7, and I love it! So here is where I say "Thank you" to all of the sickos who keep my smile more than just a vain attempt to show off my pearly whites or a unconscious breathing exercise… Thaaaaaanks!
